I am done!

Catchy title , right? Well I wish it were that easy.
*insert monologue*: “am I doing it right, this whole life thing, am I loving others wholly or did I just let the petty in, again. Why didn’t I do the right thing, it can’t be that hard, how come I did it last time? Wake up, work out. Oh no I look fat in this pic, why am I obsessed with my weight? Can I stop? Oh crap that report wasn’t my best, was it? Ahh class, oh well I am drained. Did I read my bible today, ya I did? did I meditate, what’s my take away from today, no that one’s for last week. Why am I comparing myself again, that girl’s appearance and approach to life has nothing to do with me, still I want to win right? Ahhh there comes the caring about others’ opinions, again! I thought we were past this. Why am I scared again, I am amazing, do I even believe this? When did I stop. Sighhhh”

Well there goes a snippet of my sometimes inner “interesting” conversation and tbh it’s exhausting. Living life like this is exhausting! Second guessing and self criticism has never yielded a happy soul. It’s distracting from fully appreciating life and counting one’s blessings.

Funny thing is that sometimes it’s all happy thoughts not that anxious driven tirade above but I have to admit, lately that voice wins and I am not happy about it. I want to thrive, to be calm and composed, to totally believe what God says about me that I am good enough, lacking in nothing and capable of doing all things through Christ. It’s just hard to believe this when you’re picking yourself and everyone around you apart.

So the point of this, well this is me saying I am embarking on a journey where I say no. No to judging others and self, no to self pity, no to tearing myself apart, after all it doesn’t make you whole. This is my I am done moment and apologies if you didn’t sign up for a therapy session when you started reading this piece but I bet there’s plenty of us walking around giving ourselves crap for being human. So I say, forgive yourself, and yes do what Selena Gomez’s tattoo says, love yourself first. Don’t ignore your flaws, just work on them happily without judgement, with lots of love. I too, am going to try.

Just me, Christine Nalwoga Kabanda.

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